So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
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