I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Hippo gnu deer
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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