Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I think a kid would responsible me up
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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