there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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