i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
