my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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