That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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