hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
