the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Randomize
