There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
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