I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
