I bet he comes in French.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
