I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Randomize
