I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
