i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
