Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Randomize
