I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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