If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
