God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
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