could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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