if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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