My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
