Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Randomize
