We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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