why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
