last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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