i need an iv and a liver transplant
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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