you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night�
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
