wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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