Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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