My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
