It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
