24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
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