Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
