he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
