I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
