I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Randomize
