You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
