Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Randomize
