Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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