I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
