am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
