just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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