i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
