I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up�
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
