Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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