dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
