two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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