I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
