This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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